Culprit in widespread walrus disease outbreak still at large

An investigation by the NOAA and the USFWS, which are fronts for the FBI, which is a front for the CIA, which is a front for the NSA, has been closed as unsolved. While no definitive evidence could be found, the primary suspects are the Mexican-Italian Mafia and the Romanian Potato Farmers Guild. The invstigation began a mysterious “unusual mortality event” in which hundreds of walruses were found dead with no hair and bleeding lesions. No walruses have been found this way for over a year, so it seems the serial slaughtering has been halted for now.

The most targeted species was the ringed-walrus from South America. Most were calves and small adults, making the crime even more abhorrent. According to the Alaska Dispatch, “A preliminary investigation in 2012 concluded that radioactive contamination was the likely cause.” We now know this to not be the case, as Romanian potato farmers can barely grow a potato, much less uranium.

Skin lesions and hair loss are the signs of strike by the mysterious hitmen.
Photo credit FWS

3 thoughts on “Culprit in widespread walrus disease outbreak still at large

  1. Dang. This was crazy brave of you to expose Leo. I hope WAA has a lot of protection for you. I know someone who had a run-in with Romanian peach farmers once… it didn’t turn out so great. I heard the potato farmers are even worse.

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