In an unsurprising turn of events, the walrus E.T. is once again in the ‘guarded’ condition. While the explanation for this by the Point Defiance Zoo & Aquarium officials is that he is only possibly ill, the Walrus Association of America believes that he may actually have been targeted by the same mysterious killer that affected the walruses in another part of the world earlier this year.
WAA is under the suspicion that E.T. is being targeted because of his other-wordly origins. The official story is that E.T. was orphaned at a young age, but it’s commonly known that the walrus is from a different constellation, hence the name. A senior aquarium official that wishes to remain anonymous (his name is Jonathan McTimson) told us that E.T. has been entered into the US witness protection program as a precaution, and that any future appearances in the aquarium will be made by a body double or stuffed animal. The End!