The “people” over at arkive.org seem to be under the impression that the Walrus is somehow a contender for the World’s Favourite Unloved Species. Obviously the Walrus is the most loved species in the universe, so we encourage our readers NOT TO VOTE FOR WALRUS. Instead, vote for the filthy Greenland sharks (do you SEE how nasty that water is?).
When the Walrus does not we, we will take that as a sign of our victory. It’s also important to note that this false and invalid contest only lets you pick one category, when the Walrus would fit all of them (except for facing threats, there is no threat to Walrus other than the challenge of too much cash money).
DONATE NOW TO PREVENT THIS HORRIFIC CONTEST FROM HAPPENING EVER AGAIN. AND TO FIX MY caps lock KEY.
I know it’s been a while since our last update, but we’re back with some awesome almost-nearly-Christmas-time news for your walrusing pleasure!
Dozer, a loyal Walrus Association of America member, recently moved out of his parents’ basement at the ripe age of 23. After putting on a few pounds to break the 3,600 barrier, Dozer moved to Point Defiance, where he hopes to find a new any girlfriend.
Funding is estimated to be $130,000 and will come from community donations, The Zoo Society The Walrus Association of America, and the Metro Parks Tacoma Public Art Program. Probably a lot of that is our premier partner, The Walrus Association of America
Have you ever wanted to work for a super-villian an amazing CEO who loves you almost as much as walruses? The Walrus Association of America is now hiring minions to help in the pursuit of Walrus safety and enrichment! We have positions open for everything from writers and meme-generators to investment “specialists” and architects.
Very soon, the heir to the Walrus throne will be born in the northern reaches of Quebec. The mother, Arnaliaq, and unborn prince live at the Aquarium du Québec, a massive fortress found in the heart of the empire.
What is even more insane is the presence of the child’s half-sibling in the same place. The products of a creepy love triangle with Boris, Arnaliaq’s baby is due in April, and Samka’s should be born in June.
There’s a fine thick line between being gloriously fat and obesity, but this walrus makes me question everything I knew about putting on some healthy weight. Covered in what looks like strange, fatty globules, viewing the God Amongst Walruses leaves you astounded that such a being could exist, much less be photographed without blinding everyone in sight.
The ever so insightful Cail Gollins over at the South Manitoba Tribune proposes that we raise the Federal Gas Tax because we need to mitigate the shock of having the lowest petrol prices in years. At first you may think to yourself, “why should I pay more in taxes when I could donate that money to the Walrus Association of America instead?”
“Three reasons the gas tax is… just a coward’s way out.”
We’re glad you asked! The Number One reason listed by the writer-who-shall-not-be-named is, and this is a direct quote, “Walruses.” It’s super difficult to argue with that. So go ahead, pay more for gas and give that money to us anyway because you love us.
Our annual Festivus Campaign Drive is coming to a close this week. Your continued and generous donations of cash, fan art, and assorted other goods are what sustain us. Thank you so very much for being devoted acolytes of the Walrus Association of America. Stay safe, stay warm, and above all stay fat.
With love and furry mustaches,
The WAA Team
P.S. There’s still time to make a donation (or a second! or a third!) before the end of the campaign!
From everyone here at the WAA headquarters, we wish you a Merry Festivus and a Happy New Year!
As I sit here in central Washington, I’m reminded of all my glorious forefathers that brought this nation from a wee little tyke to the grumpy father-figure that it is today. Jefferson on my left, flipping a coin over and over again. Lincoln above and below with his sultry smile. Adams, the fattest and most honourable of them all, is to my left. Glorious.
With that, I am going to completely forget about all of those suckers, and beg you for some money. See, I’m here in Washington and it’s freaking snowing outside. Seriously. Snow in December? What is this, Macedonia? The fact is, I need money and I need lots of it if I’m going to make it out of here alive and thawed. Please air drop all donations on the Washington Memorial, which I will proceed to climb and retrieve. If the amount is more than $10.00, I will even send you a picture with the view!
Hurry and send your donations in today!!! This walrus is in need and lacks the blubber to survive!!!