It’s that time of the year again where we pester you for donations of money and other valuable things (something we totally don’t do during the rest of the year)! The Biannual Walrus Festivus Campaign Drive is fun-filled fundraising event that exploits the need for people to feel good about themselves by donating a large portion of their money to “charities”. At least some of the funds we receive this season will be used to develop a new line of WAA branded teas and hoodies. Initial findings indicate the Tuna flavoured tea is an underserved market that could produce billions of profits and will be wildly successful in the Congo and Tunisia. Head on over to our donate page and send us your cash, money, valuables, and baked goods. We promise that you will feel better for it!*

In addition, the money where

Thank you for your continued support! (tightwads…)

*All promises are non-binding and will not be honoured by anyone. We deny all promising and results.

As I sit here in central Washington, I’m reminded of all my glorious forefathers that brought this nation from a wee little tyke to the grumpy father-figure that it is today. Jefferson on my left, flipping a coin over and over again. Lincoln above and below with his sultry smile. Adams, the fattest and most honourable of them all, is to my left. Glorious.

With that, I am going to completely forget about all of those suckers, and beg you for some money. See, I’m here in Washington and it’s freaking snowing outside. Seriously. Snow in December? What is this, Macedonia? The fact is, I need money and I need lots of it if I’m going to make it out of here alive and thawed. Please air drop all donations on the Washington Memorial, which I will proceed to climb and retrieve. If the amount is more than $10.00, I will even send you a picture with the view!

Hurry and send your donations in today!!! This walrus is in need and lacks the blubber to survive!!!

ACHTUNG!

ACHTUNG!

ALLES WALRUSEN UND FATTEN WALRUSLOOVER!

DAS WALRUSENSTACHE IST NICHT FÜR DER RUBBIN UND GEFINGERSCRATCHEN! ODERWISE IST EASY TO AGGRAVATEN DER WALRUSEN, DENDE HENDE-BITTEN UND BELLYFLOPPEN STURTCOMMINCIN.

IST NICHT FÜR GEWERKEN BEI DUMMKOPFEN. DER RUBBERNECKEN SIGHTSEEREN KEEPEN DAS COTTONPICKEN HÄNDER IN DAS POCKETS MUSS.

ZO RELAXEN UND BE SERVEREN DER WALRUSEN DAS SNACHS.

Walrus Empire Wins Battle Over Sovereign Airspace

DON'T FLY ON ME
DON’T FLY ON ME (USFWSAlaska)

The Federal Avian Administration (FAA) has finally cracked down on illegal violations of the airspace above the Walrus Empire. All flights are now being rerouted on their way to the US and Canada to prevent them from flying near the beaches that walruses call home. The current population of Walrus Kingdom is approximately 350,000 walruses strong. As usual for every government agency, the battle cry for banning flights in the area is, “Think of the children!”

Official Recognition By Wikipedia

The international walrus community was shocked, pleased, and amused when Wikipedia, the international “free” encyclopedia, created a page specifically for the Walrus Association of America. It features a picture of our Everlasting Love, available now for the low, low price of $0.99. If you ask me, that’s a great deal for the quality of Love you will get, especially because it lasts a long or short amount of time. The new Wikipedia page also has a description shamelessly copied straight from our website without even an attribution. I’m kinda miffed about that, actually. Regardless, see the glorious screencap below.
wikiwalrus
Click for larger image.