Tag Archives: donate

Christmas News Roundup

I know it’s been a while since our last update, but we’re back with some awesome almost-nearly-Christmas-time news for your walrusing pleasure!

  • Dozer, a loyal Walrus Association of America member, recently moved out of his parents’ basement at the ripe age of 23. After putting on a few pounds to break the 3,600 barrier, Dozer moved to Point Defiance, where he hopes to find a new any girlfriend.
  • Previously, we told you the sad tale of E.T. the Walrus. Our loyal and generous readers will be happy to note that we’ve commissioned a beautiful new statue to be erected at the Point Defiance Zoo and Water Park.

    Funding is estimated to be $130,000 and will come from community donations, The Zoo Society The Walrus Association of America, and the Metro Parks Tacoma Public Art Program. Probably a lot of that is our premier partner, The Walrus Association of America

    — Executive Deputy Director John Norvell

Vote for WalrusCoin™ now!

about

“Well, it works fine unless you do something it doesn’t like.”
Official WalrusCoin™ Slogan

Customer reviews are RAVING

“You’re winning up until you lose.”
Leslie from Pawnee

“It’s not broken, it’s a feature.”
Jonn from Bollywood

“If it crashes, well, now you know what not to do.”
Will from Wilmington

“It wouldn’t crash if you would stop throwing at baron.”
Nubslayer420 from Ur Mom

“Still higher Elo than you.”
Arpad Elo, inventor of Elo

What are you waiting for? When the polling booths open this November, remember to check the box for WalrusCoin™ today!

More Like Solemn Walrus

Only the greatest walruses understand the true meanings of walrus. Only those hardened by life’s woes and joys may see the light of walrus wisdom. This museum piece conveys not only this, but so much more. This walrus stands with solemnity and grace, with tusks glowing like light sabers, or grape ice pops that have had most of the flavoring sucked out of them. This opus of true brilliance compels us all to donate as soon as we can!

Crafted with care by the one and only King.
Crafted with care by the one and only King.

E.T. the Walrus falls sick… again

In an unsurprising turn of events, the walrus E.T. is once again in the ‘guarded’ condition. While the explanation for this by the Point Defiance Zoo & Aquarium officials is that he is only possibly ill, the Walrus Association of America believes that he may actually have been targeted by the same mysterious killer that affected the walruses in another part of the world earlier this year.

E.T. the Walrus. Photo credit Point Defiance Zoo & Aquarium.
E.T. the Walrus.
Photo credit Point Defiance Zoo & Aquarium.

WAA is under the suspicion that E.T. is being targeted because of his other-wordly origins. The official story is that E.T. was orphaned at a young age, but it’s commonly known that the walrus is from a different constellation, hence the name. A senior aquarium official that wishes to remain anonymous (his name is Jonathan McTimson) told us that E.T. has been entered into the US witness protection program as a precaution, and that any future appearances in the aquarium will be made by a body double or stuffed animal. The End!

The Passing of Europe’s Wisdom

Today we mourn the loss of Europe’s oldest walrus, Natasja. She passed away in her sleep in a sea-mammal park, the Dolfinarium, in Hardewijk, Netherlands on Tuesday. Unknown to the general populace, Natasja was not only an amazing and kind walrus, but also a seer of uniquely gifted talent. As such, The Walrus Association of America has lost not only a dear friend, but also their primary source of prediction-based income. According to Piet Mosterd, Natasja, “was a clever girl.” Truly an understatement we definitely agree with.

"Walrus Natasja is overleden. Het dier in het Dolfinarium was de oudste walrus van Europa." Photo credit @HartvNL.
“Walrus Natasja is overleden. Het dier in het Dolfinarium was de oudste walrus van Europa.”
Photo credit @HartvNL.

Since we can no longer rely upon her as an oracle, we kindly suggest you donate to our cause until we can get replacement income. Remember, Natasja predicted you would!