Florida, AL – Rumours surfaced early this evening that there may have been an incident regarding a walrus and the consumption of tuna. In a statement to the press, TUNA (TUNA Under No Authority) has confirmed the validity of these reports. We can now safely say that, for the first time in perhaps a millennium, a walrus has consumed tuna from a freshly opened can. This news has spread in a firestorm of controversy, with further sightings of civil unrest throughout the world as tuna and walrus fans fight it out on the streets. Stock prices for Starkist, the leading provider of canned tuna, have seen no changes as investors are simultaneously ditching and gobbling up shares as fast as they can.
As fierce supports of walruses and their right to eat their fish of their choosing, we have no choice but to stand firm on this matter without regard to personal safety or hygiene. With your large and generous donations, we will commence supporting freedom walrus fighters for our cause. Supplies of canned tuna, bubble gum, and playing cards are not cheap or easy to come by, so ALL donations of money and money-equivalents are appreciated. Donate now! VIVA LE WALRUS!!!
Update 11:59pm: Turns out we were mistaken lol. Someone sure fooled us. Turns out it was a can of tuna packed in oil and not water, which as everyone knows, is not real tuna. Sorry for the panic and rioting!